why don’t i have friends?
An honest self-reflection. Let’s focus on the internal world for this blog post. I am going to take on a third-person perspective, it’s weird talking about yourself in the third person but hey who cares.
Varun is not good at communication. He fears hard conversations. Ever since he was a child he was conditioned to not express his feelings, he learned to keep them bottled inside. Until one day it all overflows. Due to this he lost several friends. He always feels misunderstood because he does not communicate - how will others understand if you do not say how you feel?
It’s a vicious cycle. Communicate -> be misunderstood -> stay silent -> be misunderstood. Why bother? Has become his logic.
He cannot focus and he cannot be consistent. It drives people crazy, not everyone grew up in the chaotic atmosphere as he did. Chaos is his baseline.
He has always sat with the broken, the misunderstood. Why? Because he himself is an outcast. He had a savior complex thinking he is saving those who have been left behind but little did he realize he himself is someone who has been left behind.
Small talk is not tolerable to him. What is the point of it all? He is an existentialist at heart. Time is low. Time is valuable why spend it on bullshit? But he does not realize it is out of bullshit that relationships of substance are born. You don’t start as best friends no?
He is not comfortable talking about himself. His family trauma seeps on the outside, it has caused him to develop an inferiority complex - always ashamed of himself. Thinking he has to be doing something of value and the goal post of that “value” keeps shifting. From his perspective he is being constantly judged by others hence there is no reason to give others more ammo to judge him. He copes with silence.
He likes writing because it’s a one-way dialogue. Finally a way to express himself without being judged because there is no one else on the other side.
He is an introvert or puts that on as an identity. But people find it hard to believe he is an introvert. He looks well-adjusted and perfectly fine. If they peeled the layers they’d know.
To be continued...